As with any illness, the symptoms can be pretty hardcore, and life changing. This is no different with ARD. The list is endless but I wanted to concentrate on one, specifically, today as it’s the one that I have found the hardest to deal with.
INFERTILITY
I was one of those little girls who was constantly dreaming of meeting my Prince Charming, having the perfect wedding and then going on to have the perfect children.
So when, at 21, I was told that this may never be possible, I can honestly say it felt like someone had just reached inside my chest and ripped my heart out – no exaggeration!
As a woman we take it for granted that we will be able to reproduce, after all that’s our job isn’t it?
Now in my case it isn’t completely and utterly hopeless (or maybe I’m just being too positive). I had to have one of my fallopian tubes removed because of the damage that the adhesions did. I was left with one, but that too had been pretty badly damaged. But 1’s better than nothing right? I also do still have both my ovaries, although they are buried in the depths of more adhesions, but still having them is better than not!
What it does mean though, is that my natural conceiving chances have been more than halved, but with IVF, I’ve been told that it shouldn’t really be a problem.
Who ever grew up thinking that their babies would be created in a test tube though, instead of through love?
When all of this first happened it hit me hard. I was in a long-term relationship, and I remember when he turned up at the hospital after my surgery, all I could do was to keep apologising. I honestly felt like it was all my fault and the guilt was awful. I was lucky that he was so understanding, and although things never worked out in the long run, it’s one thing I will always be grateful for.
After that I found it really difficult to be around babies, pregnant people and children in general. It was just a constant reminder. What made it even worse was that friends and family seemed to suddenly become scared of me. Thinking that if they told me they were pregnant, that I would turn into a complete mess. Ok, maybe the first month or so I probably would have but the last thing I would ever want is to put a dampener on someone’s exciting and wonderful news. It got easier, though I still get occasions when I find it hard in certain situations. I recently had to pass up on my cousins baby shower because I just didn’t feel that I would have been able to cope with it all……..yet I hate myself for doing that!
The worst part of it all though, was the feeling of no longer being a ‘real’ woman. The one thing that women are meant to do, and now I may not be able to even do that. I have had people tell me that, that I’m not good enough and at first, it was devastating! I have spent way too many hours crying over vile comments, wondering if they are right? Am I really a waste of a woman if I can’t produce? The thought does still cross my mind at times. I don’t think I will ever feel 100% woman but you learn to deal with that over time.
It’s now been 8 years since they first told me the news, and I have seen fertility specialist and Drs to find out about my options, and the way I see it, is that all is not lost.
All I have ever wanted in life is to be a mother. That has, and still is my number 1 aim and nothing and no one will ever stop me, not even my own body!
I am hoping that it is all part of a bigger plan, that I haven’t had children yet because I haven’t met ‘the one’…….and to be honest I am actually so so glad that I haven’t had children with my exs, I would be tied to them forever then haha and I really do not want that!!
When I do finally meet the person I know 100000% that I want to have children with, who knows what will happen?
And what is wrong with IVF or any kind of treatment??
I would quite happily do anything, to be able to have the chance to feel such a precious gift grow inside me, and then spend my life watching them grow into their own person.
So I will always stay positive! Negativity will never get you anywhere.
I just need to find that Prince Charming now…………
Diary of Adhesions 