Everyone knows how hard relationships can be at the best of times. So chuck a chronic illness into it and you’ve got a real challenge on your hands!!
I, myself, have never been married. I’ve been engaged twice but never managed to make it down the aisle.
Now I’m not gonna blame illness on the break ups completely cause that would be unfair, but it has had a big part in a few of my relationships.
The first time I was engaged, the guy seemed to be understanding……to start! But slowly as time went on all I would get was ‘stop being lazy’ or ‘why aren’t we having more sex’, and even, ‘why are you being so boring’ or ‘why haven’t you done any housework’. Even when I was in hospital having one of my operations, I had to stay in for about 4-5 days, and he would come up for maybe half hour to see me in the evening and then tell me he had to get home because there was football on. Yup, you heard that right, football came before me whilst in hospital. Yet a male friend I had, would come and sit and chat to me, bring me up anything I needed. This was a man who had no need to do this, yet he did it out of kindness.
Now this isn’t just an ex bashing post, far from it, but I want to point out how ARD can affect relationships. In the end it was all too much, being bribed with money to do the housework, cause he thought I just couldn’t be bothered was the final straw! That and coming home from hospital after an operation to a flat that looked like a bomb had gone off and being told if I didn’t like it, then I should get on and tidy up myself, which I did. Crawling round on the floor cause I couldn’t walk properly still, just so I could try to tidy up!
Funnily enough though I received a message off this person only a few weeks ago, apologising for not being understanding enough. That he had read my blogs and it had finally sunk in. That he was sorry he let me down.
The second time, again, he seemed so kind and understanding at first. If I was having a bad day, he would run me candlelit baths full of bubbles so I could relax. If I needed an hours lie down, he was fine with it, coming in now and then to check I was ok and that I didn’t need anything. Once again after time though, I would get moaned at if I had a bad night and needed a lie in. I was moaned at for not doing things around the house on bad days even though I would try my best!
When you suffer with a chronic illness, you live with a constant guilt. You feel bad cause although your mind wants to do something, your body doesn’t always agree and let you do those things. What you don’t need is someone making you feel even worse!
Sex can also be an issue at times. Because I have pelvic adhesions, intercourse can be uncomfortable, painful even at times, so most people would understand then, that there are times when sex is the last thing on my mind! It therefore does take an understanding person to deal with something like this.
So basically, if you ever meet someone who does have adhesions, remember it may be a bit rocky at times, but it’s the person you fall for and not their illness. We are not our illness. If you want to be with us, empathy is an ideal trait to have.
Yes it can be hard at times, but I’m sure as hell when things are good they will be awesome!
Diary of Adhesions 